(Just because you won their love doesn’t mean you stop the pursuit of their attention, feelings, and heart.)
Love, as a word, is a limited.
Throw it away.
Toss it out.
Realize, all these different ideas we try to cram into it are utter bullshit.
There are those who believe that it should be this passionate fiery feeling that causes you to rip the clothes off your lover in some hypersexual lust.
Then, there’s the simple belief that it’s a multistage kind of deal where you move from that outside and then transition into a deeper and more companionship that is more rewarding and fulfilling.
Regardless of how you define it, the trouble lays in trying to get there. And usually, it’s this struggle of keeping the relationship alive and exciting and emotionally satisfying for the other – not so much the sexual stuff – through just showing that you care and still strive to win their heart.
For my perspective, as a straight male, it’s all about keeping the chase alive.
I learned this idea through one of my prolonged disagreements with Bunny and I was frustrated and wondering why I was always lagging behind and not able to keep up with how I felt inside for her shown through actions. My sister laid it out simply and told me that women still desire that chase. And it clicked.
When you think of the many success stories about those couples staying together for over fifty years, there’s a little voice that screams, “They must be so perfect!” But, they definitely had their tough times and rough patches that nearly had them killing each other like crazed lunatics.
Their strength has to be in their communication and how they can find some way to understand each other and their needs. It doesn’t mean they can read their thoughts perfectly but they’re able to overcome any obstacle that comes their way. Even those big starry faced couples we see in popular culture struggle just as hard to keep things together.
And, even if you get the communication part down, there’s the whole chance it’s still going to get rocked because there isn’t much excitement as there was before. And there’s the main issue: you have to chase that person until it’s your last dying breath. Specifically, when you’re already in a relationship or married. Because, if you don’t give them the love, even if you’re not hurting them, it’s this strange limbo of being stuck in a world of neutrality.
I had fallen into a routine belief that all was fine. I had gotten the girl and fell into a comfortable place and unconsciously stopped chasing her. This is a big mistake and I hope, if you’re a guy, that you won’t fall into this mistake ever. You need to have initiative and a desire to communicate your feelings with her. Or else it’ll fall apart.
As a colleague put it, think of a healthy relationship like a heart rate monitor hooked up to a healthy heart. It’s going to have crests and troughs. A relationship filled with too much conflict would be impossible to maintain and would crumble under the pressure and fights. But, a relationship with no real negative bits but also no positive bits would only be a relationship doomed to fail because it’s flatlining.
Balance is the key and some conflict is normal and necessary to keep the spice of life alive. It doesn’t mean you have to seek out some fight with your partner but it’s a matter of trying to generate as much of the good times as possible for the both of you. It can be as simple as generating surprise through little acts of kindness when she doesn’t expect it and exposing your heart in the right manners so she knows that you love her.
The hardest lesson in a relationship, in my honest opinion, is to realize the chasing of the other never truly ends. It cannot be a passive in the way you express your affection for this other person. Learn to get to know them. Remind yourself why you fell in love and try to keep falling in love with them as much as possible. Only then, I truly believe, it can be exciting and be satisfying on an emotional level.