SELF-SLAPPERY

December 18, 2017 — Leave a comment

Supposedly, it takes an average of 66 days to make or break a habit. Nope, it’s not 21 days apparently as we once thought before so… more days, more fun! Don’t worry, it’s just numbers being thrown around, so it shouldn’t really matter at all because we should focus on that aspect too long. It’s good for a visual so you can see what the heck is going on (like having a physical calendar to cross each day off whenever your successful so you can have that gratification in completing something).

The days can be daunting but if you don’t get one down, you’ll never get to day two or day 66 or even… day 500. It’s all about routine and so… maybe it’s just wise for you to stop now and just open up that word document you have been putting off and just write out 500 words… no wait, make it just even 250 words. Yeah, that’s better… just do it.

It’s taking a long hard fight to realize that excuses are the enemy. That and blaming. While all that energy is being put into that pile of useless thought, we could be finishing that screenplay, doing push-ups, or finishing that book you left two months ago.

B-b-but, I’m just suffering from a block! I can’t get into the FLOW! It’s just a struggle! So, it’s okay for me to complain about the pain so I can deal with it… Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

Slap yourself.

Slap yourself red.

Make it silly.

It’s time to simply wake up and smell that horrible stench that’s coming from your mouth. Go brush your teeth and make sure you floss. Get all those little complaints and annoying excuses out. Wait, that smell… it’s not coming out of your mouth but your BUTT?

GO. POOP. NOW.

Jokes aside, it’s important to note how easy it is that we tend to convince ourselves of NOT doing the thing we desire so much to do. Perhaps it’s a lack of confidence or a fear of failure. And I feel it… oh, boy, I feel it… a great big mountain of a muffin top kind of loser feeling. It’s terrible because you got nobody else to share the pain and there are not many outlets to express it freely.

You work about eight hours plus the mammoth commute of three hours a day! There’s no time! There’s barely any time to even prepare properly or eat a decent meal or get in any meaningful kind of workout! THERE’S NO POSSIBLE WAY YOU CAN SUCCEED WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN PUTTING OFF FOR ABOUT 7 YEARS.

Oh, little voice of self-doubt. I embrace thee with the greatest love of my heart and release to you the greatest smell of my dirty fart. It’s true. I feel the pain. I feel the overwhelming conditions that I have put myself into and I feel like it’s going to shake up and build into a bottle rocket of ideas or risk-taking moves. However, there’s this pointless waiting… as if I’m waiting for a hand to guide me into doing something but there’s nothing. I’m waiting and there’s nothing and that’s the point where I should just realize that it’s my hand that should be moving.

So, I was burning out at the end of October and went on a break to clear my mind and to rest my weary body. That part wasn’t so bad because it doesn’t take a lot to just relax and eat and sleep and dick around all day reading and occasionally watching some hockey. It was a good time and it was the right time to really wake up to the good things in life… like sharing it with the person you love so much that it makes you want to burst into tears and shout to the world, “THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS AND THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT!”

And now… I return to the freezer. Deep. Cold. Freezer.

The first week back was like immediately jumping into two separate short track speed skating races with the laces of your skates untied and tangled and flopping around all over the place. Despite that part, I’m mentally refreshed and trying to keep it that way with a new focus on a healthy body, financial growth, and my creative ambitions.

Those are the long-term study plans for myself but in the immediate plan of it all — I have three things that I have been doing for myself.

  1. Daily meditation. I have been an on and off practitioner for years and really decided to try and iron out a daily routine that includes at least 10 minutes of meditation. I have been using the free basic guided meditation packs that are in Headspace (great app by the way). However, there plenty of free guided meditation stuff to be found in another app I like called Insight Timer.
  2. Quitting coffee / reducing caffeine to zero. From my little one month break, I’ve come to realize how controlling and sensitive I am to caffeine when I’m lacking it. It’s terrible and it’s controlling me. Therefore, I come to terms with it and trying to cut it out. So far, it’s been a single mug of it in the morning at about 10AM to noon. I’m going to reduce the dosage slowly rather than going cold turkey which I tried years ago and required one week of headaches and pain and flu-like symptoms. There are other things to draw my strength from and I don’t think I need something like caffeine in my system, especially if I already have some mild form of anxiety. If you’re someone who has anxiety problems and drinks a lot of coffee… I think you should do a self-check.
  3. Screenwriting. It’s time to get back on that horse (or perhaps it’s more fitting to change it to a little Honda Super Cub) that represents the thing I have been driving myself so far away from — writing stories. Out of all my challenges and all of the things that have caused me pain and many woes… it’s this one thing that has been pushed so far away from my plate of immediate things to do… when it should be the main thing to do. If you’re not going to drive that little motorbike, it’s going to get all rusted and the tires need a little more air. It’s going to have some electrical problems so you’re going to have to kick start it. There’s probably something wrong with the blinkers and the engine is going to give out in the first few minutes. That’s the karma of waiting too long and letting it just sit there and do jack shit. But it’s a pain worth doing because finally after all these years of not trying and just letting it be and letting my life be pushed so far away from it… it’s calling me back because I’m getting the restless leg syndrome but it’s crawling up into my arms and into my armpits and the back of my neck.

On that last note — I’ve realized what has sparked some fire into this belly.

Jealousy.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, mannnnn… it’s been a long way coming and I didn’t expect to just write that. It would have been better to write, “the urge to create” or “the itch to write” or something. No, the urge and itch itself isn’t a result in itself but the thought of watching others do what I want to do and to see the stuff that others created and, me, going out to pay to experience it and realizing how… how… how fucking stupid it was to pay for it.

Only because… I CAN’T GET NO… SATISFACTION.

I forgot who to quote but I believe it’s a common thing for anyone wanting to create something to read or see because there is a lack of it. There’s a void and I need to fill it for nobody but myself. And that’s the same for everyone. Like something in particular and can’t find the right fix? Then it’s time to do it yourself and feel the pleasure of creation and enjoyment. There are times where I’m on Netflix watching the first few minutes of something before I tune out. Like most people, it’s the long-form stories that tend to catch my attention (recently, it was Dark). The only problem is when it’s all done, it’s back to the wild duck hunt of finding the next fix. And to be honest, I’m going a little crazy in trying to find the right one to watch. The past five years, my movie watching craze has dwindled down to only a few who can still spark some joy in me (PTA, Tarantino, Nolan, Fincher, Wes Anderson, Denis Villeneuve, etc.) and I’ve mostly moved to TV series or mini-series (Game of Thrones, Stranger Things, Black Mirror, Sense8, Fargo, etc.).

I still can find some satisfaction in series but it’s the features that are hurting because… EVERYTHING IS SO BLAND AND SO SAFE AND SO ——MEH. It hurts, even more, when it’s been years of hijacking your nostalgic longing of the good times and getting half-cooked goobidy goop to slurp up and survive. From this, a fire has been brewing in my belly to throw all anxiety aside and deal with my limitations so that I can join the game and spread my brand of weird to the world.

So, I feel jealous now it’s not good. One shouldn’t feel that. So I’m wrapping up that negative feeling into a little gift box and tossing it into the fire of action.

Not only do you have to continue to chase those you love but the thing you love to do too.

Cheers.

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