…will no longer be secrets.
Secrets are one part of the core that makes us tick and function in this world. We have them because they either affect us based on our idea whether or not society accepts us or not.
If your secret was about making love to a bicycle, then I’m sure it would be a curious thought to ever share that with anyone. What would they think? What would they say? Would they abandon the friendship because of that shared thought?
These are chances that most people are afraid to reveal. And for me, it wasn’t about that.
For me, it was three things really.
One was dark. One was disgusting. One was about social acceptance.
THE DARKEST SECRET:
This was about the thoughts of death and the belief that maybe, just maybe, if one were to take one’s own life, then maybe people would love you more. This was part of my deep unexpressed depression that plagued me during the few years in 2006 to 2014. It came and went and it hurt a lot. It was like a growing virus of the mind that manifested into my core values and made my view of the world a little more twisted. It was a secret that was never expressed and it was one of the darkest moments ever.
I highly suggest that this isn’t ever a funny matter to talk about. I deeply express my sympathies to all those who ever get to a point where they believe that taking your own life was the only answer to solve all the problems of the world. It’s a serious matter and you should find immediate help if you feel that you are having thoughts similar to this. Please find immediate help because it’s always better to get the thoughts out into the open so you can analyze what is really wrong. [For help in the US, for help in Canada]
My own thinking was never as dark as others would ever imagine but they were there as an option and even that is enough to consider some form of treatment. For me, it was ultimately discovering Comedy Improv that helped release the inner child and realize the truth of life – that it shouldn’t be taken so seriously all the time and that it was OK to feel the pain. The “Yes, and…” mantra that continues to help other folks suffering from social phobias and looking to rediscover the lost art of play that we had as kids.
I highly recommend improv and mindfulness training and to search for plenty of social anxiety resources online.
THE DISGUSTING SECRET:
As part of my own discussion about dark thoughts and terrible self-destructive thoughts, there is a long effect of social anxiety that I have and continue to deal with to this day. I never was officially diagnosed but it was enough of an effect to simply know that there was something that was hurting me and affecting my relationships with people and strangers.
I have some deep fears and problems. I have trouble with phones and trying to handle them. I never liked the ringing phone call and the unexpectedness and anticipation of a phone call was and is something I hate so much. Making a phone call to someone would require an hour of planning and sketching out what I want to say. It’s getting better these days but it’s still a big problem when it comes to these things.
Within the darkness and the social fears, was a moment of pure disgust. Something that was always at the heart of my soul and my memories. But, now, I share it because there isn’t anything left to share that isn’t exposed to the world. I’m never sure if I would ever get to write my memoir so what the hell… just put it here for all to enjoy the exposure and truthfulness of the matter.
In Japan, there is a lovely word to describe a social problem for at least 700,000 people (as of 2010) called “Hikikomori” – which is basically a modern-day hermit. If you ever saw the movie, Castaway on the Moon (2009), you would have a glimpse of someone suffering from this condition. And, though mine was never to this extent, I can acknowledge I went through a dark period where I pretty much became someone like this to the point of even defecating into a half-empty fabric softener jug.
Yes, I managed to poop into a jug.
It was the lowest point of my life, aside from the time I had to poop in a terrible looking washroom in Cuba when the bus from our resort to Havana made a pee break. They didn’t even have toilet seats or locks on those doors and I had eaten some seafood that gave me food poisoning. That was an unintentional public shame that happened. I hate that.
Another poop moment was when I was in Grade 1 and I had shat my pants because I had a mortal fear of public washrooms. I was really scared of using them and I had a massive stomach pain. The feeling was like holding in a bad fart but I knew it wasn’t. It was simply a hopeful feeling of holding in a fart. So I pooped myself and my mom had to come in with a replacement pair of pants and helped me cleaned up. My poor sister was too little to stay at home so she tagged along too.
But out of those poop stories, the one with the jug was a literal representation of how problematic my social anxiety grew during 2007 to 2009. I was living with a couple in a house and the male of the pair was rarely home because he was part of a fraternity. The female of the partnership was known as “Neecee” and I could say, she was the embodiment of a true born liar and manipulative person that managed to convince me to pay for the entirety of their internet bills and to pay for a month of rent for the person who had left them before I came to join them. I was simply desperate because I really needed a place to stay and finish my university degree. It was the only best option at that time.
During those months, she managed to eat all my rice and use my belongings in the kitchen. That was when I started to withdraw into my own room and never leave. It was hard to leave like this and I would rarely come home until the darkness of hours. I spent most of my time in the library and trying to write screenplays. I didn’t do as great as I hoped in school, but I was trying.
During this moment of darkest despair, they had many friends over for some gathering and the washroom was being used and she took long showers. Really long long long long long showers… and the right conditions were made for all the wrong moments. I knew I couldn’t hold until the morning and I was scared of shitting myself.
The only way was to give into the natural instinct of letting it go. So, I thought about jumping out of the window. But it was too small. Then I thought about a bag, but I thought of the smell. And then, I saw the jug and knew how the smell could be masked. It wasn’t perfect, but it was done.
I’m not sure if this has anything to some form of PTSD and social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder, but I had faced some dark times and continue to have part me in the shadows of these things. Sometimes, I found myself shunning out people and reducing myself to only a selective few. It’s terrible as I know in my heart I’m trying to reach out to many people and trying to keep certain relationships alive.
Since then, I have continued to recognize and verbalize my own problems, like what Terry Crews recommended when he dealt with his own problems with a previous addiction to pornography. Sometimes, you have to say it aloud and let others know to weaken the problem and to regain some form of control.
LIKE A VIRGIN:
When I was in grade 4, my friends tried to get me a girlfriend because they all started to get girlfriends. They tried to dare me and some girl named Moira McMahon to kiss and become a thing. I reacted harshly and abandoned them and left to wander the school field alone.
I felt so nervous and hot and started to sweat. Growing up as an Asian kid was hard enough to get a girl. I thought I didn’t want a girl but secretly I wanted so bad to have a girlfriend from high school. As I withdrew into my own darkness and resorted to photography and writing as a form of killing time, I dreamt about getting into a relationship with a particular girl that I thought was a knockout. The problem was she was your typical cosmopolitan who was a little stuck up.
Her physical attributes made her quite desirable as a teenager. I came close to dancing with her when, by complete coincidence, we ended up going to on the same trip to Italy. But, it never happened and she had her consistent string of boyfriends. Now she is happily married and has a kid but she seemed to give up her dream of becoming an architect.
But this isn’t about getting with these girls but the great delay of doing that and being a virgin until I was in my mid-twenties – about 26 years old to be exact.
Going to university with that was a hard time for me too. I still held on to old habits of being completely stuck on voyeurism and heading to the bars with my pals, but always just observing and never ever successful with those club girls. But to be honest, I did come close many times but it was my own ego and shyness that I didn’t.
And the fact that that particular girl, Tattoo Arm Girl, kept reinforcing the fact that she liked, “Short Guys!” and kept emphasizing that I should buy her a beer. I mean, if I did follow through and bought her a beer, maybe I could have gotten close to that girl. She was curvy and good looking about definitely not taller than me. One of my roommates, Anthony, was my designated wingman and kept emphasizing that if she wanted to get a beer from me, she had to get me a beer as well.
I don’t know the logic behind it but it kinda sucked as hell as it never panned out.
Another incident where I came close to losing the old “V card” was when a girl on my dorm floor was really into me and I was into her. We met by accident during a drunken encounter in the hallway and I was immediately hooked on her. But we would always be crossing paths.
One particular night, after a drunken incident, when I busted up my hand from double fisting beers at some bar in Hull, Quebec, this girl, “Mary”, came strutting into the dorm room drunk as a skunk and was dancing all over the room. Before I knew it, it was just me and her in a room and she kept repeating, “Jim, we need to talk. Jim, we need to talk… we need to talk!”
I just didn’t realize that this talk was basically if I was going to make a move on her, especially when she was already standing and dancing on my bed.
Then, my friend, “Carl”, came into the room and became the physical representation of what it meant to cock block a guy.
I think media and social awareness of what it meant to be a virgin has a deeply profound effect on those who are a little shyer or suffering from some form of social disorder. Both men and women, because I know from my experience that it creates this sort of invisible shame to walk around and feeling like you’re not normal or questioning yourself if you are ever going to find someone in life.
Lucky for me, when I met Bunny, she became the greatest change in my life and she is the one I can safely call the love of my life. I know I don’t suffer from this anymore and it feels like a relief but I know millions more will go through life like me and probably are feeling like they are not normal.
But it’s overrated. And I can say that the wait is worth it and it’s never too late.
IN THE END:
So, that’s it, three of my darkest secrets to share to the world and if you get the chance to get to this end, I hope you can appreciate it. If you are someone who does suffer from anything mentioned here, then I can relate to your pain. It can never go away but we can work hard at changing and adapting and becoming aware to what is inflicting great pain on us. I know I am not done in my own fight but I’ve grown to the point to seek out some kind of help when I needed it the most. I only wished I had sought help earlier in my life. I highly recommend finding help as soon as help when you can so that you can truly live your life and follow your dreams.
I am deeply thankful for all those who have supported me and those who need the support I give you my words and promise you that you can make it through. I am here as a symbol of support if you need it. And we can always share our fears and realize that it doesn’t hurt us once we put it out into the world for all to see.
When you don’t give a single fuck at all, then what is there left to be afraid of?
Let’s give the self-doubt and negativity a big fat middle finger and stand up strong and become vocal in our fight to become better human beings together.
Love you all and stay strong!