Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me.
Words can get to us. We have little things that remind us that the words won’t hurt and yet they carry that inflated weight that just knows how to get in deep and stab at our core. It’s painful and it’s a pain in the ass. You can be a natural at zoning out all the blabber of sound that comes at you, like professional athletes who are constantly harassed by the audience at games. You just have to deal with it.
But, what about the other way around.
What about the words that come from your mouth and what about the times you say crap that make you feel like you are doing something justifiable but in honest truth, doing jack shit.
This is where we come back to the whole blame game problem that some of us have and are causing great harm our intimate relationships and our own internal desires to push beyond the shell. There are times when it’s part of our own defensive mechanism and it’s not always our own doing but a way of quickly getting rid of the problem. Life can deliver you an unexpecting scenario and you simply have these excuses that come flying out. Making judgments or declarations that either attack or defend your beliefs.
It’s in this moment, we do not follow through with our words. Especially, with whatever we are given. We fall into the “no” mentality and become this passive lump of turd with a mouth that knows how to talk back at the right moments. And it’s embarrassing to admit that this happens but it’s true. I know it’s bad. You know it’s bad. But it’s there and it happens and it repeats.
That’s why I think we should all become more aware of what’s happening when we get into moments of trying to do something. For instance, something as simple as trying to get control of your life away from those trying to control it. The easiest example is that of still living with your parents and having no job. That was something I had faced years back and it wasn’t as delightful as it would seem. Sure, my parents will always unconditionally love me and I will be in their debt for the rest of my life, but they are my only set of parents and I cherish that fact so much. But, they’re human too and have their own set of wants and desires and problems to deal with. We could make the excuse of saying, we never chose them… but they technically didn’t have a true choice in our own personality when they had us. We are strangers meeting and having to live and deal with each other. It’s sometimes great. It’s sometimes a crapfest.
And something, like having no job or prospect and living with them, could really have them dropkick verbal abuse at you. It’s that difficulty that you have to realize, you have no say in the situation until you pull your act together and get some control. It took a long time for myself, and a lot of trial and errors, but I eventually regain a sense of control and plenty of respect. It isn’t perfect, as the job isn’t as great as one would hope for, but it’s a start.
And a start is all you need.
So, it’s really important to walk the walk before you make the talk. That’s something I think that is important because if you share your cards with the world, even if it’s to your most trusted few, they can sometimes cloud your judgment. Sure, you need that outside perspective at times but it’s sure is important to get some self-actualization going on at times. Become active and moving based on your own wants and needs.
Stop. Don’t think too much. Don’t say too much.
Just do it.
Get that sense of freedom. Feel the heaven on Earth by the little things like doing something for yourself. Even a task as simple as buying ladies undergarment for your girlfriend can achieve wonders for all. Break the mold. Feel the joy of not giving a fuck sometimes but to also push forward with a sense of action.
I know it’s hard as hell. I’m still struggling with it but I’m admitting my flaws and trying my hardest to deal with it. I know I cannot simply cut parts of myself away because there wouldn’t be anything left. So, embrace the weaknesses and strengths and all the messy parts that don’t make sense sometimes.
Before the spring of 2017, I finally made the ultimate goal of returning to my home country with a goal and a hope. I wanted to make myself better and wanted to sharpen my skills. I wanted to be a more spontaneous thinker, able to adapt to my surroundings and situations. And I wanted to be a collaborator and contributor to the arts.
So far, I’m succeeding in small degrees. Not in everything, but enough to look back and realize that I am making progress.
It’s only because we are buried in the fears of our negativity that we choke and fuck up and say shit to justify our own doings and our lack of action.
Evil triumphs only when good men do nothing.
And nothing is more important than to simply do and continuing to be relentless in our pursuit and devotion to the process of it all.
Keep on enjoying the ride.