Lately, I’ve been questioning myself and my decisions and efforts to struggle against two teaching jobs and to wrestle with the impossible task of commuting across the GTA.
How I dealt with the worries and pain of the daily and weekly challenges is to simply embrace it. Taking it all in. The long hours of standing, my fluctuating waistline and poor diet and my overall disappointment in my own lack of self-improvement. Bunny would usually tell me when she’s unhappy with me, “You never change.”
I love teaching when it is valuable and rewarding to the students. I try very hard to make them realize it’s all about the process and not a piece of paper that they truly desire and need.
But, after all that, I return home to my agony and the many stories I have yet to finish and the applications of various sorts to finish and submit. We all have the same issues, money, and challenges of living, mine not as important to your own — because we are moving on different streams.
I’ve been praying a lot. I think that’s part of human nature, whether we like it or not. To whom I pray to, is the only difference. I was a bitter man, and at times this version of me would make a return. So, I pray to the cosmos and for the grand harmony of the universe. I haven’t truly deserved anything in terms of faith, but I am keen on learning through all that humankind have provided us, regardless of the contradictions and conflicts. The philosophy of Jesus, Stoicism, the Bushido code, the writings of Sun Tzu, and the Eastern mysticism that blends all into neat little fables to teach us a simple idea — if you try your best to do good, you will be repaid in the hundredfold.
Quite recently, I watched a wonderful video about three lovely individuals who have all hit the 100-year mark in their lives. There’s nothing more heartwarming and bittersweet than to see them describe and share the true values of a meaningful life. Make good relationships and do good and work hard. What I loved is their attitude in facing all challenges and simply believe that they had the limitless strength to push through all difficulties. It was the kind of inspiration that I do not deserve to keep, as I look at my age and what I have yet to accomplish. I am on the brink of 30 and I feel that I will never write for money with the current mindset that I possess and the lack of a good routine to use as a system.
I know I will always have the ability to share my stories about my life, even if nobody reads it. Even if it takes a 100 years after my death to be read, I know that I just have to write for the process. There are many times I have doubted my abilities and it makes me feel so sad and so small. It’s natural to feel jealous when you see others do what they want to do. I have a bucket list too and I feel there are many things yet to be crossed out. Things like stand-up, writing comedy, painting, writing songs, playing music, acting, public speaking, trying to run a business and to keep on making people laugh. There are many things I have not kept up with and I don’t know if it’s because of my own self-doubt combined with the fear of failure or being judged on the path to success.
I’m trying to shake things up. I’m trying to apply all that I have learned. I’m trying not to give a fuck. Fuck everything that puts us down. Just try to do the best you can do.
Risky moves from the heart. If it feels correct then perhaps you have to follow through and go after it or you’ll never know until you let all the pressures and pain come in. There are times I feel that determination comes from the moments of desperation. I have decided, regardless of what happens, I will try and move on to another opportunity than the one at the moment. I have a month and a half to show for it — a month and a half before I visit my love that is half a world away.
Fear. Self-doubt. The great unknown.
I know I will not be hungry and I will probably still live through it. But I question if I could take it. The long distance relationship has been a killer since I left and I hope to reunite but to reunite for good. It’s like waiting for a ticking time bomb that has no timer. Just an endless ticking and waiting. It feels like we’re both stuck in this purgatory of not knowing when we’re going to move forward together and try to make a good living and start a good family and make a good future for us and our children.
It’s so frustrating. I know it should seem simple but I know that I have some limitations in dealing with the overload of tasks. Like when I was cleaning my room. There was a simple pile of papers that almost made me mentally collapse under how to organize it. It sounds ridiculous, I know. They say there isn’t really a “multitasking” ability, just a really fast monotasking ability. It takes me so long to sit down and clear my mind to focus on the problem. I’m trying to make it more efficient but it’s slow as hell.
And now, the day job is changing to push my own limitations even further. Imagine your mornings having two 10-minute breaks. A lunch that is about 50 minutes and a third 10-minute break that is squeezed in between the two-afternoon slots. It barely works and it’s so hard to keep sharp for the students when there isn’t time to drink water or pee or even recharge for the next round.
Soon, they will be replacing the current schedule with a new one: one 15-minute break in the morning, a 45-minute lunch, and a short break in the afternoon but a reduced classes that really makes no difference in the hours being paid. More work. Less time to rest. It really hurts to see how the system is corrupted and how it takes advantages in ways you wouldn’t think a so-called “first world” country would conduct itself.
Business is a business… and it’s ruthless.
And this is not mentioning the guilt that I get trying to plan and map out my lessons for the night classes. All this while juggling the speaking class that has no apparent outline and the simple instruction of, “I don’t want to deal with it so you just do what you can.”
I vent and confess and reveal my pains and fears. But, I accept it because I chose the challenge. I am only scared of my lack of trust in myself to succeed in my dreams but I’m trying to secure my beliefs that I can do it.