It’s that moody time of the year when you start thinking about all the things you didn’t do and ponder on and on if the next one will be better.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the call to adventures that have whipped by me in the past two years. Opportunities like moving back to Ottawa and try to muster out a balls to the wall plan of attack into the indie film world. Or moving to Toronto on a whim when people needed a replacement roommate. The countless chances that go by everyday to disappear overseas… paid or volunteer. Or simply, making new friends in the local area to make some short movies.
So where am I now?
In the grand scope of things, I’m on the imaginary edge of taking the first step into a world of countless possibilities. The first step that would push me through the first threshold and into a new world.
I was also thinking about the few conversations I had recently with a few of my peers… the representation of the supernatural aid it seems… and within one of those conversations this line came up, “I expected you to go the farthest, the way you inspire the others and your expertise.” I balked at the expertise comment, I’m still a baby, but the “farthest” part got me. A mild stab in the right atrium.
Did I let people down? What do they think of me? What the fuckkkkkk?
Social rituals and the cues were never my place of expertise so I couldn’t really tell you if I’m chill or a nuisance. The self-aware would lead to self-doubts and then shit happens and things get turtled inwards. But if this was a comfortable conversation away from “me” than I’m good. Hell, I’m more than good. Slide over a pint or a shot… go a few rounds… take out the ukulele and sing made up lyrics to compensate the poor memory of remembering the proper ones. And laugh a thousand different kinds of laughs through the night and into the dawn. That’s me. I’m that guy.
But I’m also a moody blue, cold, alienated, deeply introverted jerk. I sometimes forget that people worry about my well-being and that they’re thinking and wondering and dreaming. The kind of guy who spent high school lunch break in the library to avoid the heartache and pain of sitting at the same shitty table with the handful of misfits (who wanted to be punk rockers… don’t know if they made it or not) while all around is the chatter and laughter of this… “togetherness.” And when photography class kicked in, I would be eating alone and in the dark room… tinkering away with the latest mundane snapshot… drowning out everything that was shit with my life. That’s also me. I’m that guy.
So here’s that conflict. The big epic battle deep down inside that is halting my progress to step out that door and scream at the world, “LET’S MAKE SOME GOOD ART!” I wonder, if we didn’t have the Internet, video games, phones… would we be faster to act? Maybe and maybe not… since there are loads of people working and making the dream happen AS I WRITE THIS. The go-getters and the strong. They have problems just like me but they deal with it and get on with life.
Now that is what I want.
It took awhile to piece together the broken pieces of my burnout self but I think I’m ready. I’m gauging my readiness by how restless I’m getting and how jealous and angry I am of others who are doing things. I know I should be happy for them and I am. But I also want to answer back. Join in the fun. Maybe this means my creative drive is ready to get out of the garage again. Could be that…
This year had three false starts and a screenplay that underwent four makeovers… I’m half way done a backdoor pilot… and I’m on the verge of seeking others (writers, cinematographers, production designers, movie lovers, actors, musicians) to work with. I am blessed with a few patient friends and a more patient family. Thank goodness for that. You could only talk to yourself before realizing that you shouldn’t have answered yourself because that’s when the craziness starts.
There are ugly and flawed parts in me but there are also the good bits. And if there was a takeaway in this jumble of words, it’s to look at yourself as a whole and realize that you got to accept and love it all and move the fuck on. I think that’s the lesson.